Stocks rally after multiple nuclear explosions at Nellis Air Force Base

Nellis Air Force Base near Las Vegas was a scene of mayhem yesterday after several of the nuclear weapons stored there exploded during Exercise Call Trump. The stock market responded with the biggest one-day gain since Fidel Castro died.

The bombs were tactical micro-nuke B61s, earth-penetrating  devices known as “bunker busters.”  Designed to destroy underground military facilities such as command bunkers, ballistic missile silos, and foxholes, the force of the B61’s explosive energy is directed downward.  It was developed and deployed in violation of international treaties. The U.S. is expected to replace its land-mine program with personalized versions of the B61.

Development of the B61 is supported by the Recording Industry Association of America, which plans to use it in its war against file sharing and internet access for civilians. Last week, the RIAA hosted a secret meeting in Washington with the heads of major labels, plus members of the US senate who were consigned to the peanut gallery. The keynote was by RIAA head Hillary Clinton. Drop in profits can be attributed to “the new generation of sapping services”, she said, and promised that her organisation would pursue the middle and lower classes who are the primary culprits.

Meanwhile, tracer bullets and explosions lit up the sky over Afghanistan again last night as a second wave of U.S. heavy bombers, carrier-based fighter-bombers, and Tomahawk cruise missiles rained destruction on the schools, hospitals, and playgrounds known to be have been visited by a member of the Taliban or one of their relations in the last century. “It’s the only way to rub them out,” said a spokesperson for Boeing Lockheed Douglas, who spoke on conditions of anonymity, ’till death do us part.